‍

Proving Myself

It was the pre-season tournament for my last high school hockey season. A lot was going through my head. I hadn't played much the previous year because I was not recruited to play on the team. In my sophomore year, I was able to walk on, but that positioned me as a bubble player who didn't get much ice time. I felt I was skilled enough to be a key player on the team in my final year, but I worried I wouldn't be given the same chances as the recruits coming to the team. I could feel the pressure that I needed to prove to my coaches that I was much better than the recruits to get any sort of chance for more ice time, and it had been a mental struggle for me over the months leading up to the season. I wasn't stressed just because playing was something I wanted, although it was very important to me, I battled a lot with wanting to prove to those I cared about that I was good enough, I wanted to earn their respect. In the previous year, I had also lost a close childhood friend. My friend was the one who first introduced me to hockey and made it an integral part of my life. I wore his number in honor of him, and I wanted to prove to him, wherever he was, that I was capable. 

‍

We arrived at our hotel the night before our first game. There was some pizza when we got there, so the whole team sat around and socialized for a bit before our scheduled team bonding exercise. I wasn't super close with anyone on the team. I had a few good friends but that was mostly because we played other sports together in the fall or spring. Don't get me wrong I liked all the guys on the team, and we all got along very well, I just considered very few of the guy's close friends to me. I don’t remember much from before the exercise, but I do remember that nobody wanted to do it, including myself. We had just spent a couple of hours on the team bus, and the last thing anyone wanted to do was sit down and get talked at, or forced to do some activity. We all just wanted to hang out and go to sleep in preparation for the games the next day.

Everyone Is Battling Something

When we walked into the room where the activity was going to take place, the chairs were lined up in rows like a movie theater. This setup made me feel like we were going to get lectured, or we were going to have to watch some performance, so what was left of my enthusiasm was dwindling. We all sat down and waited a couple of minutes for the guy who was running it to show up, and when he eventually did, we began the activity.

‍

It started with singing. He stood at the front of the room with his guitar and played some music for us, then he had our coach and team captains join him in a song that they had rehearsed before without the team's knowledge. Once the performance was done, he started calling random members of the team up to the front to sing falsettos. This was meant to push us out of our comfort zone and essentially embarrass us in front of everyone because we weren't a very musically talented group. One of my teammates who was selected to sing at the front of the room wasn't the most outgoing guy. He was good friends with a lot of people on the team as he grew up playing with them, but I didn't know him very well. He was funny and didn't get very emotional during the games like some of the other players, if he did it was usually him blaming or being hard on himself. After he finished his falsetto, he started to make his way back to his seat. That was when the guy running the activity stopped him, put his hand around his shoulder, and asked,

‍

“What's the hardest thing you have ever been through?”

‍

Everyone went silent. It wasn't a question anyone had been expecting, as so far the activity was very lighthearted and fun. My teammate who was asked the question, froze for a couple of seconds, and you could tell he was trying to fight back tears. After his period of thinking he said,

‍

“One of my good friends passed away in a four-wheeler accident.” ‍

‍

For the next minute or so, he went on to tell the story to the whole team, fighting back tears and at times having to pause to gather himself. As he was telling the story, you could tell almost everyone on the team was fighting back tears as well. For me, I had just lost one of my close friends, so the story brought up all the emotions that I had been feeling over the past year related to that. After he finished the story, the leader of the activity instructed us to move the chairs into a big circle. Once the circle was sent up, we all started getting asked hard questions like the one my teammate had previously been asked.

‍

“ Do you doubt yourself?”

‍

“Have you ever lost anyone?”

‍

“What is something you are battling?” ‍

‍

With each question that was asked to different teammates, I realized that everyone on our team had something they were going through or battling. We had people talk about fears of not living up to expectations. Some talked about struggles with divorced parents. Even our coach opened up about a friend who was recently diagnosed with cancer. As the activity went on, everyone showed support for one another. Like I said before, I wasn't close with many people on the team, but that didn't matter. Everyone was saying that they loved each other, that each and every one of us was appreciated, and there was an unspoken understanding that everyone of us was not going through anything alone. By the end of the activity, there were guys willingly sharing stories, offering words of appreciation and encouragement, and there were guys bawling their eyes out, all of whom where complaining about doing the activity in the first place. 

You Are Not Alone

As the activity ended and we all walked back to our own rooms for the night, the feeling of being alone in what I was going through, and in the challenges that lay ahead of me was gone. The activity that nobody wanted to do made me realize that each and every person on our team had something they were going through, something that despite what they displayed on the surface, they were battling mentally. Hearing other people's stories strengthened everyone on the team, including me, and I believe is a big reason why our team went on a playoff run for the first time in over 12 years.

In the year since this activity, I have always thought back to it when I have faced challenges in my life, especially when I feel alone. The activity showed me that no matter if I think people are doing great compared to me, that could not be further from the truth. Everyone is battling something, some people are battling bigger things than others, but everyone has something that they are going through, or have gone through in the past. I know now that no matter how you feel in the moment, you are never truly alone.

‍